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Sunday, February 26, 2006

Toddler Sex Toy Secrets Revealed

Come see the latest sex shop in Times Square
Mike Noble
Too often in this work-a-day world without free time, people find that they cannot rely on the old-fashioned concept of "sex with another human being." Even when we’re not preoccupied with truly serious matters in life, like Joe Millionaire, and actually have time for sex with another person, we find that the means of intercourse haven’t changed for millions of years and they’re all getting kind of old. Thank god for our nation’s scientists, who have produced the ultimate answer to this and all the world’s problems: sex toys!
Though owning a sex toy is an inalienable right, I have trouble getting my hands on them. Mail-order toys come in transparent boxes that say things like “FRAGILE: DILDO INSIDE,” and most of the sex toy shops in town are frequented by ugly, smelly, poor types. Fortunately, I’ve come upon a shop that will be the source of all of my pleasure from now on, offering aisle upon aisle of colorful and inventive sex toys. Even better, it’s conveniently located right in the heart of New York: Times Square. The name of this new orgasm central? Toys’R’Us.
In the "Gadget" section, there’s a toy made by NeoPets shaped like a cute little Scorchio dragon named Shoyru. Don’t let that innocent smile fool you--Shoyru knows how to get down and dirty for some battery powered fun. Playing with Shoryu is like having a little lover between your legs, except he’s a dragon and has no sex organs. Regardless, he still may "come alive at the sound of your voice, and respond to your [mood] with sounds, movements and lights," ToysRUs.com tells us. And Shoryu’s sure to have fun anywhere--"Scorchios are brave explorers who’ll go anywhere to find a new adventure." You can take him all over town. Just be careful how you position him, ladies, because even though his vibrating head in your twat might feel nice, his wing claw can do some clit scraping that ain’t so nice.
For all of you jingoist horny hawks out there, Hasbro makes a miniature detailed cannon sex toy! The G.I. Joe 155 Howitzer Cannon masterfully recreates the Korean Conflict-era artillery weapon inside the orifice of your choice. The long, slender barrel of the canon will advance into you easily with its handy wheel attachments. The Howitzer even comes with its own miniature artillery shell. The firing action on the model is kind of a surprise, but well worth it. It’s not often that you come across a dildo that comes inside you... and HARD!
Do you find that your lover has gotten tired of looking at the same old penis night after night? Well, you can always liven things up by letting them imagine your penis is actually a monkey! With the "Monkey Puppet" by Folkmanis you and your lover can be transported off to a kinky, jungle sex-land where mischievous monkeys hide big throbbing cocks. Even with a monkey on your monkey, you shouldn’t forget to wear protection! Toys’R’Us has got you well covered there. Miss Forty-Three-Year-Old prostitute, have you had so much sex in your life that taking any normal sized man is like waving a hot dog at the Grand Canyon? Or are you just super paranoid about safe sex? Well Toys’R’Us has something for you in their "Sporting" department called a "boxing glove." The boxing glove can be used for gay or straight sex, but is especially nice to the ladies with its extra "thumb" for clitoral stimulation. This boxing condom also has a 98% chance of not breaking. Try to beat that, Trojan!
Toys’R’Us has other great accessories for your crotch. Cock rings abound, but for some reason, most of them are found under categories such as "rattles" and "teething rings" in the "Infant" section. I hope they’re not trying to make a joke about penis size! The store also carries a cock ring that’s great for oral sex. The "ring-pop" fits rather snugly, but provides a nice tasty treat for your partner while he or she is going downtown. In other parts of the store, you’ll find cock rings such as the five that come in a kit called "the Bendo Family." Wear one, wear ‘em all—it’s your pleasure that counts! But as fun as it was to play with Mama Bendo, I couldn’t help but be a little creeped out when I wrapped Little Betty Bendo around my big Daddy.
Toys’R’Us certainly stocks many sex toys for special interests. For your typical fat, hairy (and probably lonely) Star Wars fan, Toys’R’Us carries a vibrating extendo-lightsaber (with real action sounds!). For the S&M folks, Toys’R’Us carries a number of Stan Winston’s Creature Features toys. My favorite was the "Queen of the Lair" action figure, which was very long and covered in many razor-sharp, jagged edges! The strangely labeled "Learning" section of the store also has an "Australopithecus Africanus Cranium Replica" for the necrophiliac/zoophiliac crowd. Make sure to use plenty of lube, skull-fuckers!
Now that I’ve found this heaven on Earth, this Xanadu, this savior of all mankind that is Toys’R’Us, I fear that I will be there every day, buying inanimate orgasm after inanimate orgasm. I must say, though, that I’m a bit bothered by how many little children I see roaming around the store during the day. That just shows you the state of society. Maybe if every adult used a sex toy that sexually satisfied him or her, there wouldn’t be any children in a grown-up place like Toys’R’Us.
I think I’ve loved everything I’ve bought at Toys’R’Us. Well, almost everything. I’m having trouble with this one S&M toy. If anyone knows how to get a "Chinese finger trap" off, please e-mail me! Enlightened? e-mail us

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